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WEST-EAST BELFAST: "I can't believe it's not Beirut"

TEN WAYS DICK CHENEY CAN KILL YOU

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Old Gunshot '78

NORTHERN IRELAND: New national motto

"DON'T MENTION THE WAR!"

SINN FEIN SUPPORT COUNTRY SWAP WITH SUDAN

Since it's meger beginnings last weekend the scaryfeet poll has somewhat taken off. After the Prime Minister's statement earlier today, Gerry 'the war's over' Adams and Martin 'hit-him-again' McGuinness have just released information on their support for the "Do Country-Swap with Sudan" in our poll [see bottom of webpage] including the sporting of a new logo and calling for some kind of reunification (exact reunification and of what is yet to be decided).

"[BANG] ARGGGGH! YOU SHOT ME! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU SHOT ME! YOU @*€\!" Vice President Cheney has some questions to answer

As the world's press takes aim at U. S. Vice President Dick Cheney over the fact that he shot a close 78 year old friend, one must ask; how bad would you feel! I pose the question which would you perfer to shoot; a defenceless Quail, or a bloodsucking, ambulence-chasing AMERICAN attorney?!

BLAIR BACKS SCARYFEET POLL

Prime Minister Blair has announced that he will be watching the results of the scaryfeet poll "as closely as a peruavian mongoose watches the live young of a mauve newt". Mr Blair [seen taking part in the 2006 'That Cloud Looks Like... Competition'] has stated that the British Cabinet is backing the "Sell N. Ireland to the Saudi's" option.

VOTE TODAY: YOUR VOTE COUNTS

MORE DETAILS RELEASED ON POLL OPTIONS

SOLUTION TO THE NORTHERN IRELAND PROBLEM POLL:

*End segregation in N. Ireland education
Schooling will no longer be segregated along religious lines eliminating the threat of Catholic/Protestant 'hidden curriculum's'.

*Bring Trimble back and fast
All Northern political parties will be dissolved and David Trimble will become IL Duce ['the leader'].

*Let the Americans sort it out
All Irish northerners will be sent on a fully paid holiday to Florida, U. S., for 3 weeks leaving plenty of time for the yanks to sort the situation out in the Occupied Six Counties of the North. Northern Ireland; the 51st State.

*Sell N. Ireland to the Saudi's
Northern Ireland will be sold to Saudi oil Sheik's on account of Northern Ireland's abundant oil reserve. The North will be towed away and grafted onto the south side of Saudi Arabia.

*Do a country swap with Sudan
Basically a 'problem swap' along the lines of Channel 4's 'Wife Swap'. We get faced with the prospects of food shortage and famine... And they get Northern Ireland. BARGAIN!

*Civil War
Relatively simple. Two teams Green and Red; fight to the death.

*Get the United Nations involved
Kofi Annan, Blue Berets, Hans Blix etc.

*Rock-Paper-Scissors competition
Representative of Protestant grouping and representative of Catholic grouping meet at Hillsborough Castle. Best of 3!

*United Ireland [controversial]
United in name only.

*Parachute-in Morcambe and Wise
1970's Brit idea. Could have several drawbacks on account that they've both been dead for twenty years. Still should be a good show though.

TO VOTE SEE BOTTOM OF PAGE

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SINN FEIN: Building an Ireland of Equals [all are more equal, but some are more equal than others]

DOWN HIGH SCHOOL TO BECOME POLITICALLY CORRECT: Joint statement released by Head and minions

Mr 'it's lonely at the top... Too lonely' Ferris, Mr 'inside I'm crying' Smyth, Mr 'firmly in closet; don't tell the rugby lads' Donnan and Mr 'I wish I could fly' Noble have jointly released an overhaul to the way in which Down High students communicate with each other. The following now applies:
Kids don't get grounded anymore. They merely hit "social speed bumps."
You're not late, you just have a "rescheduled arrival time."
You're not having a bad hair day, you're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome."
No one's tall anymore. They're "vertically enhanced."
You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."
You don't talk a lot. You're just "abundantly verbal."
It's not called gossip anymore. It's "the speedy transmission of near-factual information."
The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively challenged."
No one fails a class anymore, he's merely "passing impaired."
You don't have detention, you're just one of the "exit delayed."
These days, a student isn't lazy. He's "energetically declined."
Your locker isn't overflowing with junk, it's just "closure prohibitive."
Your bedroom isn't cluttered, it's just "passage restrictive."
Your homework isn't missing, its just having an "out-of-notebook experience."
You're not sleeping in class, you're "rationing consciousness."
You don't have smelly gym socks, you have "odor-retentive athletic footwear."
You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations."
You're not being sent to the principal's office. You're "going on a mandatory field trip to the
administrative building."
[Above picture: Even the I. R. A. are PC!]

NAPOLEON BONAPARTE: Is there anything that guy can't teach us?

"NEVER INTERRUPT YOUR ENEMY WHEN HE IS MAKING A MISTAKE."

Napoleon I of France