TMNT THEME!

NOW THAT'S DEMOCRACY.

Peru, South America.

PRESIDENT BUSH UNVEILS 'LIGHTER SIDE'

In response to a question from a US reporter regarding the Presidents intelligence: "*Ruffling... riggling...* There; let me ask this; could Abe Lincoln or John Kennedy remove his underwear while keeping his pants [American for 'trousers'] on? I dare say Eichman [obviously meant 'Einstein'] could have, or Stephen Hawking."

AFRICAN MAN KILLED BY MUTANT DUVET

JAPAN REVEALS LATEST INOVATION: 'THE ONE MAN RIOT'

New innovation being hailed as the 'new Internet'.

SHERBET EXPLOSION IN ISREAL KILLS 6

Interesting...

Go too Google and type in "Sweaty Baboon". Then click the 'I'm feeling lucky' button.

THE FRENCH: Sophisticated rioting

Ah the French; The Eiffel Tower, Napolean Bonaparte, the Arc de Triomphe, baugettes, Citron: The French really do add a touch of class to everything they get involved; art, monuments, leaders, great food, cars and now it seems; rioting. Yes gone are the days of wee Micky and wee Jimmy kicking the Shi-ite (as in Muslim) out of each other in Portadown. Now the French have got involved. For over 500 years rioting has been the official game of Ireland with teams joining the International Rioting Association with its base in West Belfast from accross the World including of course the British Army however this standing is under threat. As one French reporter remarked today "throwing rocks and le petrol de bombs are oot; chucking baguettes and snails arrrr in".
The French really do have a certain 'june say wat?' about this whole thing. They just do the whole throwing pavement slabs with a touch of style and sophistication.

[Above pic: Cosmopolitan Belfast. Wait a mo... Eiffel Tower, great architecture...]

ONLY REAL MEN WEAR Y-FRONTS

Saddam Hussein 'en le nip' as they say in France.

SUSPICIOUS: Why are their hardly any Irish Protestants in the South?

Personally I think they might all be under some patio in Dublin.

YEEHAA: There still is a boarder after all

A Co. Tyrone man has become the first person to be extradited across the border from Northern Ireland to the Republic under new legislation.
Jason Graham, 27, was handed over to Southern Ireland Gardaí at Lifford Bridge, between Strabane and Lifford, this afternoon.
He was arrested by the Northern Ireland Police Service and taken before a court in Belfast last week on foot of a European Arrest Warrant to face assault charges in Co. Donegal.
The new legislation allows for extradition between European countries and between Europe and the USA for offences of any kind that carry at least a potential 12-month custodial sentence.

* THATS WHAT THE BOARDERS FOR *

PARIS HILTON CAUGHT SCREWING BY TRENDY L. A. POOL

This Webpage is beginning to go quite downmarket.

QUESTIONS EVERYONE SHOULD ASK THEMSELVES

1. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
2. Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
3. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
4. Ever notice how irons have a setting for "permanent" press?
5. How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures?
6. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
7. How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
8. How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on bigger suitcases?
9. If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
10. If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
11. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
12. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
13. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
14. If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?
15. If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
16. If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
17. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
18. If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation?
19. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
20. If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
21. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
22. Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
23. Just remember... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
24. Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
25. Is stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
26. What disease did cured ham actually have?
27. What is the speed of darkness?
28. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
29. Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's ass."
30.Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
31. Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?
32. Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
33. Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
34. Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
35. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
36. Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
37. Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
38. Why do we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
39. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
40. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
41. Why does "monosyllable" have five syllables in it?
42. Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh crap - I could be eating a slow learner."
43. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
44. Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
45. Why does the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? Why did you just try singing those two songs?
46. Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
47. Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
48. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
49. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
50. Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery!"?
51. Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
52. Why is it necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
53. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
54. Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?
55. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
56.Why is what doctors do called "practice"?
57. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
58. You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

* FEEL FREE TO TRY AND ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS *

SUSPICIOUS

NOBODY LIKES A VEGETARIAN

ROMANS ROAD

The ROMANS ROAD is a pathway you can walk.
It is a group of bible verses from the book of Romans in the New Testament.
If you walk down this road you will end up understanding how to be saved.

Romans 3:23
"For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God."
We all have sin in our hearts. We all were born with sin. We were born under the power of sin's control.
Admit that you are a sinner.

Romans 6:23a
"...The wages of sin is death..."
Sin has an ending. It results in death. We all face physical death, which is a result of sin.
But a worse death is spiritual death that alienates us from God, and will last for all eternity.
The Bible does plainly teach that there is a place called the Lake of Fire where lost people will be in torment forever.
It is the place where people end up that remain spiritually dead.
Understand that you deserve death for your sin.

Romans 6:23b
"...But the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord."
Salvation is a free gift from God to you! We can't earn this gift, but we must reach out and receive it.
Ask God to forgive you and save you.

Romans 5:8
"God demonstrates His own love for us, in that while we were yet sinners Christ died for us!"
When Jesus died on the cross He paid sin's penalty. He paid the cosmic price for all sin, and when He took all the sins of the world on Himself on the cross, He bought us out of slavery to sin and death! The only condition is that we believe in Him and what He has done for us, understanding that we are now joined with Him, and that He is our life.
Because He loved us and gave Himself for us!
Give your life to God... His love poured out in Jesus on the cross is your only hope to have forgiveness and change. His love bought you out of being a slave to sin. His love is what saves you. Not religion, or church membership.
God loves you! And reaches you right where you are.

Romans 10:13
"Whoever will call on the name of the Lord will be saved!"
Call out to God in the name of Jesus!

Romans 10:9,10
"...If you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Jesus from the dead, you shall be saved; for with the heart man believes, resulting in righteousness, and with the mouth he confesses, resulting in salvation."
If you know that God is knocking on your heart door,
ask Him to come into your heart.

Jesus said,
Revelation 3:20a
"Behold I stand at the door and knock, if anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him..."
Is Jesus knocking on your heart's door?

Believe in Him. Ask Him to come in to your heart by faith, and ask Him to reveal Himself to you. Open the bible to the gospel of John and read what God says about Jesus, about you, and about being born again.

God will help you. Just talk to Him. He loves you.

You need to look for a local church where God's word is preached. The bible says that we are to desire God's word like a newborn baby desires mother's milk.
Aren't you hungry to know the truth?

Water baptism is one of the ways you first show that you have been joined to Jesus. The symbolism is this: When you go down in the water you show that you have been crucified and buried with Him, And when you come up out of the water you show that you have been raised to walk with Him in newness of life. (See Romans chapter 6)

You have been born again. (See John chapter 3) Your body has become God's temple. Your heart is where He lives. Forgiveness is yours in Jesus. And you belong to Him. You were sin's slave. But now...You are a child of GOD!

John 1:12
"As many as received Him, to them He gave the right to become children of God,
even to those who believe in His name!"

INTOLERENCE

"This is a webpage were I share my sense of humor and my faith. I do not believe my site should be a place for frankly sick anti-Christian comments. I am offended and shocked at the perpatraitors. Comments against another's beliefs is the highest of all insults and should stop. My site is designed for my good friends; Christian friends, and non-Christian friends; who are open and excepting. Things should change. I believe in free speech, but when free speech means unitelligent jibes it is not free speech but mindless. I am proud of my faith and my circle of friends and I wish to keep it that way whatever anyone associated says against." — John H. Hanna

"I believe in an America where religious intolerance will someday end — where all men and all churches are treated as equal — where every man has the same right to attend or not to attend the church of his choice...and where Catholics, Protestants and Jews...will refrain from those attitudes of disdain and division which have so often marred their works in the past, and promote instead the American ideal of brotherhood." — John F. Kennedy, "Address To Southern Baptist Leaders," 1960

* COMMENT RIGHTS SUSPENDED *

NEW: The Gospel according to Scripture Union

Posted with a tongue firmly in cheek. We're on the lookout for a new Down High School Scripture Union slogan for advertising and marketing purposes, something along the lines of:
"Scripture Union: I cant believe it's not Christianity", "Scripture Union: Tried sex, drugs, rock and roll? Feeling empty? Then come to S. U. and do it all over again", "Scripture Union: We make it up as we go along", "Scripture Union: Doctrine's? What Doctrine's", "Scripture Union: No faith required","Scripture Union: May not actually contain Christianity", "Scripture Union: May contain nuts", "Scripture Union [does not contain scripture]", "Scripture Union: Christianity with only half the moral's!" or my personal favorite; "Scripture Union: There for when you realize atheism is just really boring".
[Picture: some random unionist's (Scripture Unionist's)]

WHAT'S THAT I SMELL. FOREST FIRE? KENYA? BUT I'M ON HOLIDAY [IN HAWAII]!

Superman Tee: £16
Bermuda Shorts: £24
Bananna-Leaf Hat: £6
Hawaiian Necklace: £6
Looking like a complete eejit: PRICELESS

I'M NOT BEING SECTARIAN, BUT...

[I love Catholics.]

COLONEL H CAPTURED

'Colonel H' captured in Moscow posing as statue of Roman god. Reports say he maybe forced to take part in a "Military Skills Competition" at BK. More details will follow.

NET CLOSES IN ON OFFICER WANTED FOR WAR CRIMES

scaryfeet can exclusively reveal that the net is closing in on a guy only known as 'Brigadier H' seen in pictures posted earlier this month with regard to PW abuse. 'Colonel H' [also seen in pictures] has already been interviewed by UN Attorneys.

I MET PAISLEY! At a Scripture Union party

It's true last week I met DUP leader and cause of all of N. Ireland's problems; Ian Paisley at an SU party ['BE AS TY-rant']. We talked for several minutes about Irish politics and world affairs he's quite nice; he reminds me of a good friend of mine; Richard Mulligan for some reason. We kissed, then made-out for hours.

SERIOUSLY DO NOT PRESS!

I thank Steve for this game.

DAVID TRIMBLE ON HOTorNOT.com

David Trimble has joined the ranks of the hot and the not on hotornot.com! President Trimble will be online for several months allowing the citizens of the world to rank the good looks of David Trimble out of 10. Please vote non-partisan.

RATE DAVY [davytrimble98] on HOTorNot.com.

UNTITLED: I believe the dipiction conveys everything

Spain; we understand. Palestine/Isreal; we understand. Iraq; we understand.

SCARE YOURSELF WITH SKY: You've just gotta love Rupert Murdoch for scaring the Shi'ite [as in Muslim] out of everyone

Scare the pants of yourself with Sky News' new FOX-style Atomic Weapon's Interactive Map. I'm going under ground for a while. How many do you think might be lurking around N. Ireland? There's a rumour that there a several stationed underwater outside Ballynahinch in a lough near the 'secret' Missile manufacturing site.

THE SIGNS IN BELFAST ARE REALLY GETTING OUT OF HAND

NEW CONSERVATIVE PARTY SLOGAN LAUNCHED

[For those who just didn't get the Sunningdale Agreement i. e. Slow Learners (according to S. D. L. P.): D. C. as in David Cameron]

NEW PRISONER ABUSE PHOTO'S DISCOVERED: This time their our guy's

In this photo two soldiers in British DPM can be seen smiling while posing with a Prisoner of War [hooded individual]. Mimicking earlier U. S. Iraqi abuse photos. Sick.


In this shocking picture the PW can be seen on the ground face down with a rather handsome, dare I say attractive British 'soldier' pinning his neck down while displaying the victory sign. The other guy is seen with his foot placed on the PW's back. Vile.

COMMENT AND LETS END THIS MADNESS.

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WEST-EAST BELFAST: "I can't believe it's not Beirut"

TEN WAYS DICK CHENEY CAN KILL YOU

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Old Gunshot '78

NORTHERN IRELAND: New national motto

"DON'T MENTION THE WAR!"

SINN FEIN SUPPORT COUNTRY SWAP WITH SUDAN

Since it's meger beginnings last weekend the scaryfeet poll has somewhat taken off. After the Prime Minister's statement earlier today, Gerry 'the war's over' Adams and Martin 'hit-him-again' McGuinness have just released information on their support for the "Do Country-Swap with Sudan" in our poll [see bottom of webpage] including the sporting of a new logo and calling for some kind of reunification (exact reunification and of what is yet to be decided).

"[BANG] ARGGGGH! YOU SHOT ME! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU SHOT ME! YOU @*€\!" Vice President Cheney has some questions to answer

As the world's press takes aim at U. S. Vice President Dick Cheney over the fact that he shot a close 78 year old friend, one must ask; how bad would you feel! I pose the question which would you perfer to shoot; a defenceless Quail, or a bloodsucking, ambulence-chasing AMERICAN attorney?!

BLAIR BACKS SCARYFEET POLL

Prime Minister Blair has announced that he will be watching the results of the scaryfeet poll "as closely as a peruavian mongoose watches the live young of a mauve newt". Mr Blair [seen taking part in the 2006 'That Cloud Looks Like... Competition'] has stated that the British Cabinet is backing the "Sell N. Ireland to the Saudi's" option.

VOTE TODAY: YOUR VOTE COUNTS

MORE DETAILS RELEASED ON POLL OPTIONS

SOLUTION TO THE NORTHERN IRELAND PROBLEM POLL:

*End segregation in N. Ireland education
Schooling will no longer be segregated along religious lines eliminating the threat of Catholic/Protestant 'hidden curriculum's'.

*Bring Trimble back and fast
All Northern political parties will be dissolved and David Trimble will become IL Duce ['the leader'].

*Let the Americans sort it out
All Irish northerners will be sent on a fully paid holiday to Florida, U. S., for 3 weeks leaving plenty of time for the yanks to sort the situation out in the Occupied Six Counties of the North. Northern Ireland; the 51st State.

*Sell N. Ireland to the Saudi's
Northern Ireland will be sold to Saudi oil Sheik's on account of Northern Ireland's abundant oil reserve. The North will be towed away and grafted onto the south side of Saudi Arabia.

*Do a country swap with Sudan
Basically a 'problem swap' along the lines of Channel 4's 'Wife Swap'. We get faced with the prospects of food shortage and famine... And they get Northern Ireland. BARGAIN!

*Civil War
Relatively simple. Two teams Green and Red; fight to the death.

*Get the United Nations involved
Kofi Annan, Blue Berets, Hans Blix etc.

*Rock-Paper-Scissors competition
Representative of Protestant grouping and representative of Catholic grouping meet at Hillsborough Castle. Best of 3!

*United Ireland [controversial]
United in name only.

*Parachute-in Morcambe and Wise
1970's Brit idea. Could have several drawbacks on account that they've both been dead for twenty years. Still should be a good show though.

TO VOTE SEE BOTTOM OF PAGE

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SINN FEIN: Building an Ireland of Equals [all are more equal, but some are more equal than others]

DOWN HIGH SCHOOL TO BECOME POLITICALLY CORRECT: Joint statement released by Head and minions

Mr 'it's lonely at the top... Too lonely' Ferris, Mr 'inside I'm crying' Smyth, Mr 'firmly in closet; don't tell the rugby lads' Donnan and Mr 'I wish I could fly' Noble have jointly released an overhaul to the way in which Down High students communicate with each other. The following now applies:
Kids don't get grounded anymore. They merely hit "social speed bumps."
You're not late, you just have a "rescheduled arrival time."
You're not having a bad hair day, you're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome."
No one's tall anymore. They're "vertically enhanced."
You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."
You don't talk a lot. You're just "abundantly verbal."
It's not called gossip anymore. It's "the speedy transmission of near-factual information."
The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively challenged."
No one fails a class anymore, he's merely "passing impaired."
You don't have detention, you're just one of the "exit delayed."
These days, a student isn't lazy. He's "energetically declined."
Your locker isn't overflowing with junk, it's just "closure prohibitive."
Your bedroom isn't cluttered, it's just "passage restrictive."
Your homework isn't missing, its just having an "out-of-notebook experience."
You're not sleeping in class, you're "rationing consciousness."
You don't have smelly gym socks, you have "odor-retentive athletic footwear."
You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations."
You're not being sent to the principal's office. You're "going on a mandatory field trip to the
administrative building."
[Above picture: Even the I. R. A. are PC!]

NAPOLEON BONAPARTE: Is there anything that guy can't teach us?

"NEVER INTERRUPT YOUR ENEMY WHEN HE IS MAKING A MISTAKE."

Napoleon I of France

WHO SAYS WE'RE TO HAVE HOME RULE? Come to Belfast and we'll shew 'em

MAYDAY! MAN THE LIFE BOATS! PREPARE THE CATAPULTS! It appears that support for a united Ireland; as solution to the Northern Ireland's issues is rapidly growing according to our poll; with a massive 2 votes [see bottom of webpage]! TO THE PARAPETS! MAN THE BOILING OIL!

Free polls by snappoll.com

MAKE A 'DIFFERENCE' AND VOTE!

SCARYFEET HIJACKED!

Between 2 and 4pm today my website was hijacked by left wing radical 'friends' from school after an electronic coup! Thankfully rerinforcements arrived in the form Head of U6th Form Mr 'My Hero' Coffey! Apologies for any 'interesting' content during that period.

US CONSTITUTION: The Second Amendment

THE RIGHT TO BEAR ARMS
"A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed." U. S. Constitution.

IRAN NEWSPAPERS RETALIATE AGAINST PROPHET MOHAMMED DEPICTION

This whole cartoon thing is getting really out of hand... It's not like we in N. Ireland take religion to the extreme... Is it? Read this Sky News article; extremely thought provoking. [Picture of UK protestor who dressed as suicide bomber for London protest.]

SESAME STREET! They're coming... to the parapets!

YOU JUST COULDN'T MAKE IT UP...

BELFAST, Northern Ireland (AP) - Roman Catholic and Protestant children start learning to fear and loathe each others' communities as young as 3 years old, a newly published study found Tuesday, blaming parents and Northern Ireland's religiously divided school system.
"The surprising thing is how quickly these attitudes start to be expressed, almost as soon as they can talk," said Paul Connolly, lead author of the report based on questioning of 352 children aged 3 to 6. "You could imagine children drawing some of these distinctions at age 10, not 3."
Connolly's research team found that boys and girls from the British Protestant and Irish Catholic sides of society are absorbing their communities' prejudices by age 5, when they enter elementary schools that keep them almost entirely segregated in two separate systems. Only 4 percent of primary-age children in Northern Ireland are educated in religiously mixed schools.
"Our results, frankly, condemn the overall structure of Northern Ireland society," said Connolly, a University of Ulster sociologist. The Englishman, who lives in religiously polarized north Belfast with his wife and three preschool children, says they'll soon face tough choices about finding "neutral" schooling.
The study, conducted by the University of Ulster, was commissioned by the government-funded Community Relations Council, which tries to promote better relations between the communities.
The survey at 44 elementary schools and nurseries throughout Northern Ireland involved showing children pictures and objects, and asking them what they knew about each and whether they liked or disliked them. Subjects with sectarian connotations included Irish and British flags, Protestant Orangemen parading, different soccer teams' uniforms, and Catholic girls in an Irish dancing class.
The approach mirrored a 1999 study of the attitudes of Israeli and Palestinian children, which was commissioned by Children's Television Workshop in New York. The makers of "Sesame Street," the workshop produced an Israeli-Palestinian joint television venture in Arabic and Hebrew, in which peaceful coexistence was key.
As with the Middle Eastern research, the Northern Ireland report concluded that youngsters in divided societies need specially designed educational packages to counteract the parochial prejudice of their immediate environment.
"If young children are encouraged to appreciate and respect diversity then they may well be less likely to develop negative attitudes in the future," the report concludes. "It is certainly far better than simply leaving children to learn about other communities from their peers."
This was the first study of its kind in Northern Ireland to analyze the opinions of the extremely young. Other research in the past three decades of political-religious turmoil has focused on older children, and particularly the trauma they have suffered from witnessing violence.
Connolly said he hadn't expected the youngest children to draw clear tribal distinctions, but some 3- and 4-year-olds already did — and added derogatory commentary unprompted. He said many more interviewees probably held back sectarian opinions, because they were talking to strangers.
"I like the people who are ours. I don't like those ones because they are Orangemen. They're bad people," the report quoted one 4-year-old Catholic girl as saying when shown a picture of the Protestant organization on parade.
"Catholics are the same as masked men. They smash windows," suggested a 4-year-old Protestant girl, when discussing whether she knew what a Catholic was.
Connolly said the two groups of children expressed statistically significant preferences when presented with the red, white and blue British flag versus the Irish tricolor of green, white and orange. Among 3-year-olds, 64 percent of Catholics already preferred the Irish flag, while 59 percent of Protestants favored the British.
"The fact that we've got 3-year-old children developing attitudes like this shows that you shouldn't dump all the responsibility on the divided schools. Some responsibility clearly lies with the family and local community," Connolly said.
But he said the divided schools appeared to exacerbate sectarian opinion. "The proportion of children making overtly sectarian statements rises exponentially in ages 5 and 6, the two first years of formal schooling," he said.
Another part of the survey found that Catholic children preferred Irish names — Seamus, Fionnuala and Sinead — while the Protestants disliked those in comparison with Protestant-preferred names: Craig, Alison and Stewart. This tendency increased with age.

Find out more at The Ireland Fund's webpage.

BUY BOOK! Before all remaining copies are pulped to make syringes to 'put-down' puppies

[WARNING: The following post may contain some 'lies'...]
After being removed from Queen's Uni. Bookshop webpage 'A Man Stepped Out for Death: Thomas Russell and Co. Down' is still available. It has been reported that some of the authors have been forced into prostitution while others have sunk even lower to actually signing copies of the book and selling them to U6th students to cancel debts.
Although the authors were politely 'asked' to purchase remaining books (before legal action would ensue), there are some books available to purchase on amazon.com. At present exchange rates the best deal (for the authors) may be found at kennys.ie at €7.67 (thats £5.265 in real money- tut Southerner's!). PLEASE BUY COPIES OR PUPPIES WILL DIE BECAUSE OF YOU!

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Ulster Television: "Sugar-coated news"

'COMPLETE' DECOMMISIONING?

Can some one explain to me what's going on? The Independent Monitoring commission (IMC) says the Provisional's (IRA) still have guns and are involved in crime, intelligence gathering and minor terrorism. The Independent International Committee on Decommisioning (IICD) says there not sure. The U. S. administration (Yanks) are keeping quiet, the UK government (Brits) says everything is fine and the Irish governments' (their clean...) retreated behind the border...

NEWSFLASH

Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?

UUP/SDLP Joint statement: We believe that only by working together in unison, and with the majority of the people of this island, the British and Irish Governments and our friends overseas behind us, can we find the answer to this question. If we do not, or cannot, then our children will rightfully ask us the question, 'So why did the chicken cross the road?'
SINN FEIN: That would be a matter for the chicken. Sinn Fein and the chicken are not part of the same organisation, although we share some ideals. If there are presently any chickens in Sinn Fein, we are not aware of it.
ORANGE ORDER: The chicken is entitled to walk in a peaceful manner on the Queen's Highway. It's a traditional route. Anyone who tries to deny the chicken his rights to walk on the road will find the road blocked at both ends until the chicken is allowed to walk in a dignified and non-threatening manner, without accompanying bands if need be.
DUP: We are implacably opposed to the chicken crossing the road until the chicken's armaments have been removed and the chicken itself declares it's diabolical intentions.
IRA: On behalf of the people of Ireland, we reserve the right to defend the roads of the island against the chicken. For 800 years the Irish People have resisted the imposition of chickens by force of arms and shall continue to do so until the chicken is expelled from our land. Anyone collaborating with the chicken, or assisting or enabling the imposition of road crossing by chickens, will be deemed legitimate targets in our struggle against tyranny.
LOYALIST FORCES: We, the loyal defenders of Ulster roads, reserve our right to retaliate against any precipitory hostile actions by the chicken. We shall meet this with deadly force. (A donation to the Loyalist Prisoners Association will ensure free passage of the chicken with respect to the road and the crossing thereof, till the same time next month anyhow. Do chickens have kneecaps?)
THE HOME SECRETARY, UK GOV.: While not normally commenting on security matters, Her Majesty's Government feels it is right and proper, in this instance, to make a statement on this affair. - Members of the Special Air Services involved in a covert anti-terrorist operation on the road at 8:42 this morning observed the chicken attempting to cross the road. As the chicken was approached by one of the soldiers involved, it was seen to make a threatening movement and action was taken to nullify that action. It has not been ascertained why the chicken was crossing the road, and it seems unlikely that we will now discover the motive.
Hmmmmmmm...