NEWSFLASH

Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?

UUP/SDLP Joint statement: We believe that only by working together in unison, and with the majority of the people of this island, the British and Irish Governments and our friends overseas behind us, can we find the answer to this question. If we do not, or cannot, then our children will rightfully ask us the question, 'So why did the chicken cross the road?'
SINN FEIN: That would be a matter for the chicken. Sinn Fein and the chicken are not part of the same organisation, although we share some ideals. If there are presently any chickens in Sinn Fein, we are not aware of it.
ORANGE ORDER: The chicken is entitled to walk in a peaceful manner on the Queen's Highway. It's a traditional route. Anyone who tries to deny the chicken his rights to walk on the road will find the road blocked at both ends until the chicken is allowed to walk in a dignified and non-threatening manner, without accompanying bands if need be.
DUP: We are implacably opposed to the chicken crossing the road until the chicken's armaments have been removed and the chicken itself declares it's diabolical intentions.
IRA: On behalf of the people of Ireland, we reserve the right to defend the roads of the island against the chicken. For 800 years the Irish People have resisted the imposition of chickens by force of arms and shall continue to do so until the chicken is expelled from our land. Anyone collaborating with the chicken, or assisting or enabling the imposition of road crossing by chickens, will be deemed legitimate targets in our struggle against tyranny.
LOYALIST FORCES: We, the loyal defenders of Ulster roads, reserve our right to retaliate against any precipitory hostile actions by the chicken. We shall meet this with deadly force. (A donation to the Loyalist Prisoners Association will ensure free passage of the chicken with respect to the road and the crossing thereof, till the same time next month anyhow. Do chickens have kneecaps?)
THE HOME SECRETARY, UK GOV.: While not normally commenting on security matters, Her Majesty's Government feels it is right and proper, in this instance, to make a statement on this affair. - Members of the Special Air Services involved in a covert anti-terrorist operation on the road at 8:42 this morning observed the chicken attempting to cross the road. As the chicken was approached by one of the soldiers involved, it was seen to make a threatening movement and action was taken to nullify that action. It has not been ascertained why the chicken was crossing the road, and it seems unlikely that we will now discover the motive.
Hmmmmmmm...